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Another BFN and Subsequent Sadness

Is it human nature to aim for perfection and productivity? I remember when I was in school and the teacher returned my graded paper to me and the first thing I looked for was what was marked red. Even if I got an “A” I wanted to know what I got wrong. I knew there was a lesson to be learned and improvements to be made. While that drive has helped me be successful in my professional life, it is making me feel like I’m losing my mind in my trying to conceive (TTC) life.

Another big f’ing negative on my pregnancy test. I’m working really hard to reframe this failure as an unproductive cycle. I didn’t fail, exactly. I learned some lessons and came closer to my rainbow baby. I hope.

I have decided to take a break, one cycle off from trying to conceive. I’m heartbroken and I need time to heal. I also need a hug.

I honestly feel like it is hard to relate to my non-ttc friends. How can you explain that every two weeks you are either peeing on a stick (POAS) or waiting to ovulate (which sometimes involves peeing on more sticks)? Time, money and hope heavily invested in each cycle.

I can see it in their eyes. A little bit of pity maybe a dash of bewilderment thinly masked behind a smile of empathy. It is anything but comforting and I wish I hadn’t shared my journey until it was resolved. Maybe my feelings of failure are being projected on my friends and they really do mean well. Why would they pretend to be empathetic? It is hard to get any perspective. I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want to be sad. I just want to be pregnant and to have a baby.

But I am sad. I am angry. I am not sure how to not to be. I fear I am also pitied. Wanting to be pregnant consumes my every thought. How can it not? It impacts what I eat, what I drink, what supplements to take, how many acupuncturist treatments I have, when I can travel, how long I sleep….every move I make is dictated by this desire.

Is this what addiction feels like? Spending my money on feeding my fix. My fix to be more fertile, my fix to hope and get pregnant, my fix to be a mommy to a little baby, again. The desire for this fix is taking a toll on me. But I am undeterred. I have to take back some control and start to figure out what the end might look like, if the end doesn’t have a baby in my arms. For the first time in all of this, I suddenly feel like that might be a possibility. That makes me sad all over again. It also makes me feel scared and alone. I’m not ready to deal with that, not yet. I have to keep trying. For now.

For now, I’ll take a break and lick my wounds. Tomorrow is a new day and filled with new possibilities. If I rest and build up my strength I’ll be ready for it. A little more tattered, but also a little more determined. The battle of infertility is not for the faint of heart.

I meet with a new RE week after next and am hopeful this will be the beginning of something new and wonderful for my journey to my rainbow baby. In embracing a new beginning, I say goodbye to an ending. Something new, hopefully something different, lies ahead.

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