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Acronyms, Abbreviations and Emoticons: TTC Alphabet Soup on Mommy Message Boards

April 4 – After spending hours on mommy-to-be message boards, I now know lots of acronyms. Initially it's like alphabet soup, but google searches, context and random glossaries help me muddle my way through. Some parts of the process are softened with cute acronyms like AF (Aunt Flo) which is a nickname for period or menstruation and can bring women to tears, as it is a clear sign that the last cycle of baby making attempts has failed. EWCM (Egg White Cervical Mucus) this is when fluid exiting your vagina looks like the white material of a raw egg and is the kind you want when you are TTC (Trying to Conceive), it is very fertile and helps the sperm have an easier trip to finding that golden egg. If you are successful with BD (Baby Dancing) or sex for the purpose of conceiving then you finally get your BFP (Big Fat Positive) pregnancy test. That's the PG version at least, let your imagination run wild and I'm sure you'll guess what the F stands for in the R rated version.

Then there is the one that seems too precious for an acronym, Baby Dust! It's meant as a well wish for all those trying to conceive and is just as magical as it sounds. Women wish it to one another often on the boards. Just as Dorothy stood intoxicated in the poppy field, I imagine myself in a doctors office surrounding by Baby Dust and fully aware that I am no longer in Kansas. I've always had the power...I've just had to believe!

I get my blood work results via email and now know enough to understand what the hCG (which is the pregnancy hormone) is and what it means. It is now at about 25K, which means it hasn’t doubled as it should. My progesterone has increased to 8.6. Still no where near that 20 mark that means a successful pregnancy. I start eating nutrient dense food and taking a prenatal vitamin. I’m still in shock. I haven’t spoken to the baby's father at all since getting the positive test. He hasn’t texted me and I can’t bear to text him. Are we both avoiding each other? It's unusual for us to go this long without contact, even when we are in different towns. I need time to process this all and to figure out the game plan. At this point, I know if the baby survives, it is God’s hands. I’m now sure that I will be unable to intentionally end this little ones life. The odds are not in our favor though. The numbers that the doctor is giving me, aren't boding well for a viable pregnancy. At least, if the message boards are to be believed. Unfortunately, they are littered with women who have suffered miscarriages. It is very daunting. I feel very scared and alone. I have no one that I feel safe to share all of this information with and sort it all out. The friends that I have told have basically mocked me, the FOB is MIA and I haven't mustered the courage to tell me mother yet. How exactly does one explain being "accidentally" pregnant weeks before turning 46 years of age?? <sigh> Even though the internet gives such scary predictions of the outcome, it is my only outlet. I'm obsessed. I spend every waking hour, sometimes into the wee hours, researching, reading and trying to connect with someone, anyone on the boards. Hello! Is anybody out there....

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