Four Losses and a Rainbow Baby
Written by Shelly Mettling (USA)
My Oh My… Where to start!?
Hi Everyone, I’m Shelly! August of 2017 I became apart of the 1 in 4. September 2017 I became apart of the 1 in 5. January 2018 I became apart of the 1 in 10 and in May 2018 I became apart of the “We Don’t Even have a Percentage for that… You should probably seek alternate medical help”
YES! We’ve lost 4 consecutive Pregnancies and hearing those statistics above was Rather Difficult but to Re read them and actually type them out Now at 20 weeks pregnant with what I call “Our Lucky Number 5” makes me smile because First off HOLY CRAP I can’t believe we are Here and Second Off It just Goes to Show That You Reading this (Whatever your story) CAN BE TO!
So let me Break it down a bit from the start. Grab a Snack, this is a WILD FREAKING RIDE!
We Pulled the “Goalie” (aka Birth Control) July 2017. We Got Pregnant Beginning of August 2017. “Well That was Easy” So we thought. Out of Pure Excitement we announced the big news to the family and close friends. Only a few short weeks later I went through what I thought to be & still believe was the most Traumatic Day of my life. Our Baby Died. Just like that. Wam Bam Slam yesterday I was pregnant & Today I am not. IS THIS A JOKE? Honestly I had never heard of anyone Close to me losing a pregnancy. In an INSTANT I felt ALONE. ALONE ALONE ALONE… It’s the best word I can come up with for that day.
But, after much research I learned that this wasn’t such an odd thing. 1 in 4 woman go through this experience. God Chose me for a reason and I accept (hesitantly, but I accept) So Moving on we went. With slightly more hesitation and Anxiety of course.
A month later! Holy Moly we’re pregnant again. Out of Pure Excitement and “see that was just a fluke” mindset We text the family to share the news. This time to be Shut Down only a few days later. We Lost another Pregnancy. NOW, alone is still a Great Word for this day but on top of that we can go ahead and add another emotion… Alone and Scared. Scared because I’ve just dropped from the 1 in 4 ratio to the 1 in 5 Ratio. We are now stuck between the thoughts of “Is this a Fluke?” and “Is this Impossible?”
Bringing me to the New Year! New Year New Me, Right? January 1st Baby Number 3 is on the way. This Sense of New Beginnings washes over me along with blinding fear of losing another Baby. Weird Weird Weird mix of emotions, between excitement & fear it’s pretty much impossible at this point to acknowledge the difference. Only One Week later it seemed as though the fear had won, we lost Baby number 3.
Now with this loss (the third loss) there was a New Emotion entering the mix. Alone, Yes! Scared, Absolutely! Relieved, Kinda! Relieved because as most of you probably know once you’ve had 3 losses the Doctors start taking you seriously! The Medical Testing that you so Wished would happen after loss number one Officially begins after loss number 3. Which I’m not even going to dig deeper into how much that Erks me because I’m trying to keep this article short enough for ya’ll to actually read it!
“Finally, lets get some answers” I thought. Again this Super unexpected mixture of emotions takes place in this phase. You don’t want something to be wrong with you because that’s just INSANE but at the same time you feel so INSANE anyways that at least you could get some answers for why you are so Insane. (If you’ve been to this phase, you know what I’m talking about)
Results came back! Everything was Normal. NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL… WHAT???? So losing 3 babies is my Normal I guess? “UGH” <—- The new emotion that enters the mix.
I guess, We try again?
May 2018 Baby number 4 enters the mix! (Omg you guys writing this all out kinda makes me sick, I can’t believe I went through all this) Sadly from the start baby number 4 I just had an Icky feeling about. This wasn’t it, I just knew it! We followed the progression, my HCG doubled and then just a few short days later (a weekend actually) they plummeted. I Lost Baby number 4.
Enter new emotion… Numb!
My Doctor was at a loss and Honestly I think was sick of giving me bad news. So here Enters my new Reproductive Endocrinologist. We had a very Short lived relationship so I wont dig too much into it but it was a CRUCIAL part to my journey and I’ll explain why!
We chatted! That was it, We chatted! And through this chat we came to the realization that my tsh levels (Thyroid levels) were not Ideal! They were not abnormal but not ideal! That day she prescribed me Levothyroxine to help lower them into that more Ideal ratio (which is explained over on my Youtube channel under “Game Plan” if you want to check it out).
A Few Short days later I found out I was Pregnant! And unlike any other pregnancy I went MIA! I didn’t tell my Husband for a few days. I didn’t tell my doctor for a week. I didn’t tell my family until 10 weeks. Hell I was shocked we even made it to 10 weeks. THIS WAS IT YOU GUYS! This was Our Lucky Number 5.
Now was it the Levothyroxin that did the trick? Or was it just the luck of the draw? We will never ACTUALLY KNOW! But if I could give One Piece of advice to anyone out there going through a similar struggle, it’s as simple as this… Keep Going, Keep adapting, and Stay On Top of Your Journey because if You Don’t Nobody Else will! Don’t let the doctors shove it under the rug. You’ll feel annoying, you’ll feel crazy, you’ll feel alone, But You’re Not! I’m Here, the 1 in 4 are here, the 1 in 5 are here, the 1 in 10 are here, and the “There’s No Ratios our there for my story” people are here.
You GOT THIS GIRL!
XOXO- Shelly Mettling
Ps. I have so much more to my story (in Full details) on my Youtube Channel (Shelly Mettling- Life after miscarriage) Feel Free to head over, Grab a Snack, Scroll super far back, Binge it, and get ready to Cry, Laugh, and Relate!