On October 27th, during the first two week wait (TWW) of TTC with donor sperm, I thought sharing my journey to my rainbow baby was the most productive way to pass the time. The baby that I miscarried was due on November 18. He's in heaven now, my angel baby. Hopefully soon I'll have my take home baby #THB
I think the part that made it most lonely was being afraid to openly talk about using donor sperm. It was complicated. I had been pregnant by my partner after not trying, not preventing (NTNP). I miscarried the baby. I had not been TRYING to conceive.
What happened to the father of the baby (FOB) that I miscarried? That was difficult to navigate and surely would draw more attention than it really merited. Short story? He was gone.
Compounding this issue was I had family members who didn't know FOB existed. That's a long intro...there was this guy, he knocked me up, the baby didn't make it, I decided I wanted to have a baby, the guy who knocked me....I don't know what happened to him. I think he got cold feet? He wasn't exactly forthcoming, except to say he was leaving, moving on without me, and I would be better off without him.
It's a LOT to say, but I would totally say it! It's why no one in my family ever questions me when I drone on about my "therapist." They all think I'm crazy and usually encourage me to continue in therapy.
So..Hi! It's me, your crazy relative. I'm trying to have a baby at 46 with my own eggs and oh! I'm using donor sperm. Don't worry, I talked to my therapist and she's TOTALLY down with it.
Even in group therapy and support groups, I connected fully with no one. So I pulled out my laptop and attempted to connect with everyone and no one, at the same time. In the place of loneliness and a wanting to connect, Simply Tanika was born. I started posting weekly videos on YouTube about my journey. Little did I know I would connect with other women in a way I couldn't have POSSIBLY imagined. It was amazing and it was all because I wasn't afraid to share the truth. The world is such a different place when you chose to live in your truth.