The OBGYN purposefully inserts the transvaginal ultrasound. The ultrasound device is poignantly referred to on the message boards as "wanda" or the "dildo cam" because well, it looks like a wand or an inappropriately long dildo. (Surely, it must also scan my liver and kidney region at that size?)
STILL NO HEART BEAT. Baby is there, sack looks even more deflated though. She tells me she wants me to go and see a maternal fetal medicine specialist. She prefers I see a specific specialist and instructs me to ask for him by name. She clarifies that all the doctors are good, but this one is great. I nod quietly. I understand. I'm numb. If I am going to a specialist, something is really wrong.
The nurse comes in to do my blood draw. Once again, I gently remind myself to stop making these weekly appointments on a Friday. Now I must all the way until Monday to see if the hCG is still increasing. I bid everyone a "happy Friday" and waddle my way out of the office.
Once home, I book an appointment for Carnegie Hill Imaging for the following week on Wednesday.
Quietly at first, gradually increasing, Dr. Google is calling me. Dr. G informs me a heartbeat should be audible by 6 weeks, possibly visible at 5 weeks. (No matter when I ovulated I'm at least 6 weeks now. Keep in mind that the first two weeks are before you even ovulate.) Dr. G also provides many forums on miscarriage and what tell-tale signs to expect immediately before a miscarriage. One site shares numerous stories of women who were told they were having a miscarriage and then went on to have a healthy baby. Another site warned, not to have a D&C if you are informed you are having a miscarriage. The D&C is final. Too much information. No surprise, Dr. Google only increased my anxiety. There is no escaping the dour odds that lie ahead of me.
It's only Friday. I just gotta make it to Wednesday and then things would be much clearer.