My phone rings at 9:00 and the caller ID says Accent on Health. That is the name of the my OBGYN's practice. My heart drops and a lump catches in my throat. I answer the phone with a husky "hello" that takes all my strength to force out of my mouth. The nurse (or is it the receptionist?) on the other ends tells me my blood work is in, this immediately sends my heart racing. Typically they email the blood test results on Monday morning. The other shoe is about to hit the floor and all I can do is wait for it. She apologies and informs me that my hcG has dropped. I'm not yet clear on why she is sorry. I asked what has it dropped to and she says 40K. Fuck, it was at 60K last draw. That is a 20K drop and can only mean one thing. It feels like the bottom of my world is falling out…yet again. She tells me there is no need for me to go the specialist and I should cancel my appointment and stop taking the progesterone. I have to come and see the doctor today though. I take the 2 pm appointment and hang up the phone. I want to cry. I want to scream. Nothing comes. I can’t believe it. I don’t feel any different. I had slight cramping yesterday, but there has been no spotting and nothing to indicate the baby won’t make it. I head to Dr. Google. I want to visit the sites that discuss misdiagnosed miscarriages. The women seem to advocate getting a second opinion or waiting until the sac is so big or the pregnancy so far along. Could I do that? Should I do that? We haven’t had a heart beat yet. I just want it to be a mistake and to go full term.
I send a text to FOB and one to my mom. He texts back asking if there is anything he can do? I tell him no. Mom asks if I am ok, I tell her I will be. Best to get on with it.
I arrive at the doctor’s office and she tells me she can give me pills to get the pregnancy over with quickly or I can wait and let it happen naturally. I ask how long it will take …to happen naturally. She says, with me…she isn’t going to speculate. She said my body is outside of the “norm” and it could take hours or it could take weeks. She reminded me that the blood test was done four days ago and I still hadn’t had any spotting. The medical management guarantees controlled and scheduled expulsion. I tell her I will go it the natural route and she has says to call her once it has happened. She leaves the room and I get dressed. I panic. What have I done?? I ask the nurse to get the doctor back. I wait and wait and wait. She comes back and I tell her I have changed my mind. I’ll take the medicine. I think she’s slightly annoyed (or at least I think she SHOULD be). She tells me I have to get back undressed then, she needs to do an ultrasound to see the state of the baby. Huh?? OK, will do. I get undressed and wait for another small eternity. I know, I know, I’ve already had my slot and now I’m intruding into other people’s appointment time. I’ve lost a baby, I’m not myself. Simmer down! The doc returns, sticks that wand up my who-ha. She doesn’t put it up on the big screen, but sees me craning to see the little one. She turns it slightly so I can see it, she says "See? The sac is nearly completely deflated and I don’t see baby at all now. Where the hell did the little bugger go? I sigh…ok, I see. She explains what to do with the medicine as she types in my prescription. She asks if I want birth control. I say yes. The computer won’t let her do it. She says it is tripped up by my being “pregnant” and I’ll have to get the prescription later. Odd that it let her write a script that is contraindicated for pregnancy. Odd, odd, odd. She tells me the medical management is the best way to get it over with and behind me. She says if I make it more prolonged, more dramatic, it will be harder to recover.
I head over to the pharmacy. The pharmacist pulls me aside and informs me the directions say to insert the pills vaginally. She says did the doctor talk to me about that? I say yes…mainly because I don’t like uncomfortable public conversations. The truth is…I don’t remember what the doctor told me. I get my script, which also includes a separate bottle of vicodin. I grab a box of pads and leave the pharmacy. I immediately call the doctors office to confirm I am meant to stick those pills in my vajajay. Nurse says YES! All four all at once and then don’t plan on going anywhere after that. Got it!
I fight to catch my breath and will the beating of my heart to stop flooding my ears. "Just make it home, you can fall apart once you get home," I keep repeating to myself. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, until you get home. Somehow I am able to manage that.
I go home and get myself comfortable, physically. My heart is filled with dread. I insert the four pills into my vagina and make a pot of tea. When the pain kicks in, I take a Vicodin. I should have taken that first so that it was in my system before the pain kicked in. It was a rough few hours. About four hours in, I started bleeding. I’m on the phone with my mother as she is 'keeping me company' from 3,000 miles away in California. Once the pain becomes too intense to talk, I tell her I’ll speak with her later. I can feel my cervix dilating. This is exactly how I remember labor to be. I go to the bathroom and have this overwhelming urge to push. I do. I push and push and push. It feels like small strawberries are falling out of me. There is so much blood. I am finally able to cry. I package myself up with a giant maxi pad and waddle back to the couch. For the record the pain is NOT like having a really bad period…which is how the doctor prepared me for it. It was like having labor contractions. I felt my cervix open up and I wished the heavens would open up and take me with the baby. No period pain ever felt like this. I take another Vicodin. I curl up into a ball on the living room couch, drinking tea. My mother was right, probably not a good idea to be alone throughout this process. Ah well, I've done it now. Must get some good rest. Back to work tomorrow.