Scanxiety: High Risk Over 40 Pregnancy

Back at the OBGYN. I must say, I love the staff. They are so warm and friendly. Definitely makes this whole process a little less scary.

Doctor M has a look with the transvaginal ultrasound. Baby is there, but still no heart beat. She doesn’t like the way the sac looks. I lift my head up and peer through my legs to squint at the screen. I turn my head sideways in hopes that it will somehow make the blob on the screen more clear. Nope. I can see it looks slightly deflated. It seemed larger and rounder the last time we looked.

She says…well you won’t be terribly sad if this baby doesn’t make it, right? Hmmmm…. I said, I don’t know, probably not. She says she has seen successful pregnancies where the sack hasn’t been completely full. But she would prefer it be rounder and she feels we really should see a heart beat by now. She tells me to come back next week.

She gives me the option of going to a specialist or coming back to her. She says I might not get in to see a specialist straight away. I tell her I am fine to come back to her next week. My blood is taken again. I guess this will happen every week?

Oh how I wish I could have a Xanax! This is rough and I still haven't mustered the courage to confide in anyone about what is going on and how scared how I am. I'm embarrassed and also guilt ridden. There has been alcohol, cigarettes and prescription drugs. All the things a pregnant mom shouldn't do, I've done. If I could just hear the heart beat than I could breathe easier.

Hubris had me believe initially that I would get to decide the final fate of this child. I've been swiftly reminded that God has the final say. I pray to him every night...well, religiously.

"Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is heaven. Please bless this little soul and help me find the reason you have taken me down this path. Amen."