April 7 – Back into the doctors office. I am now less shell shocked and back in badass, take no prisoners mode. I march in with a list of questions, the answers to which will help me decide which way to go with this pregnancy. You know, things like, what are the changes of Downs Syndrome, what are my odds to go full term, etc.
My mind tells me I must know these things before this little intruder gets too comfortable in my womb. My heart tells me to remind my hand to protect my tummy while on the subway, less some careless fool jostle my precious cargo too much. Somehow the doctor can read both my mind and my heart. She’ll have none of my list of questions. She takes the paper from my slightly trembling hand and sets it on the examination table beside me. She rolls her stool close to me, a little too close, patiently waiting for me to lock eyes with her.
She calmly explains there are three paths forward; support the pregnancy, do nothing or end it. She explains that the questions are one which no one can fully know the answers to, not at this early stage. You can’t tell me my chances of having a perfect baby??? Drats. I stare at my feet, feeling quite naked in the pink cotton gown, that I remembered opens in the front. The badass in me leaves the room and regular me quietly nods that I understand. Then an annoying lump gets caught in my throat and I barely whisper that I would like to support the pregnancy. At this point I say a little prayer and ask God that His will be done.
The doctor nods with a twinkle in her eye and gently squeezes my left hand. "Excellent!" she exclaims. "There of course are no guarantees", she coos, "but you've already beat the odds, getting pregnant at 45." She prescribes Crinone 8% (progesterone) and vitaPearl prenatal. She also has my blood drawn again. She says they won’t test the progesterone anymore since I will be taking the supplements (vaginal cream administered like yeast infection medicine…yikes!) She performs an ultrasound and we make out the baby and the sack. He's there now, clear as day on the screen, my baby. Hello little fellow! You already have mommy's heart on string don't you?
The doctor does some measuring and points out things like the sac and yolk on the screen. There isn’t a heartbeat yet. I’m not worried, the doc isn't worried either. I'm actually surprised that she would look for it this early. During my first pregnancy the technology wasn’t advanced enough where they looked for a heartbeat this early. (Oh what a difference 22 years can make!) Besides, I’m not entirely sure I am as far along as the doctors says I am. Is she meant to be counting the time that I had my period as part of my pregnancy?
I go to the pharmacy to have my scripts filled. The prenatal vitamins are $25, the progesterone (Crinone) is $200 for 14 days. The folks that make Flinstone vitamins don't make prenatal vitamins? Hell, do they make progesterone, for that matter? At this point I feel SUPER pregnant. My boobs are growing like crazy, I’m tired and quite bloated. I’m going to the bathroom every 30 minutes. I must have been completely oblivious before or the pregnancy symptoms just increased by like 200%! It must be the progesterone. Oh, did I mention it is inserted vaginally? It goes in pretty straightforward, coming out is another story. I search the message boards and learn how to insert my finger into my vagina and scoop out the clumps. I only need this medicine through the first trimester. Then the placenta will take over and the little guy will be getting everything he needs.
Oh, almost forgot, the doc tells me to stop taking Chantix and the Klonopin. Says I can keep taking the Zoloft. I took two Klonopin yesterday. That is quite unfortunate. The Chantix was giving me these super vivid dreams anyway, or so I thought. I would later learn that was a pregnancy symptom.
The smell of everything in NYC is making me sick. I keep a lot of mints and mint gum on hand. I'm also very tired. If I could sleep 12 hours a day I would. I don't remember being this tired with my first pregnancy, but it was 23 years ago, so I could just be "misremembering" what I felt back then. Either way the baby is making it's presence known. I've decided it's a boy. Mommy thinks of him often.