April 1 – Perfect that it is April Fools day! I tearfully tell the father of the baby (FOB) that I MIGHT be pregnant. Through sobs, I apologetically explain that I am like a freak of nature because at my age there is only 1% chance of it occurring. So low in fact that my OBGYN discussed my not need birth control because there is a 1% of becoming pregnant on the pill.
He asks, "do you want to be pregnant?" I stopped crying and think. I stare at him blankly, then feebly shake my head and am able to muster a quiet "no." He said, "well ok then, it’s not on my bucket list either". I respect that he asked me how I felt first before he told me how he felt about it. I wonder if I had said yes, if that would have impacted his answer? It all seems like a really bad dream. I recount the events from the day before and tell him that during the ultrasound there was a little blip on the screen. A tiny chia seed looking spec, apparently hanging out in my uterus. I tell him that I'll have the results of the blood pregnancy test on Monday.
He asked what else it might have been on the ultrasound. I stare at him blankly. I have NO idea. I'm stumped. I hadn't thought of that. Well if the doctor didn't know if it was a baby, how would I know??
He seems amused, not sure about what. The corners of his mouth are slightly upturned, which I am interpreting as amusement. What's so amusing? Maybe my crying hysterically?? Maybe thoughts of his own racing through his head. He's gotta be as shocked as I am right? I mean it's not totally IMPOSSIBLE, we were not trying, not preventing (NTNP), but it does seem like a really random looong shot.
In retrospect, had I not been crying, he might have thought it was an April Fool’s joke. We look at apartments in Philadelphia for a bit and then I leave, headed for my house. He’s leaving for out of town the next day to explore apartments in Philadelphia. He’ll be getting an apartment there soon, but also keeping the one in NYC. I will likely see him a lot less.
The weight of the world is crushing me. I don't know how I got here, but I desperately want to be anywhere else but here. I would later wonder why neither of us thought to go to the drug store that weekend and have me pee on a stick. It was just as well, soon my heart would turn and I'd be peeing on more sticks than I ever imagined possible.