No Options? Still Don't Give Up!
My fertility journey began a few years back. I was 32 and began to experience very mild hot flashes I didn't think anything of it because I was going to college full time then, and I just attributed to what I was going through as stress. Little did I know that my egg reserve was dwindling silently, but I kept pushing for my degree because I had given up long ago on ever having any children due to what I had been told years earlier.
As I kept pushing myself I started to notice my cycles were getting heavier. Some months it would be longer than it was supposed to be, so again I thought it was stress and would go back to normal after the semester was over. Funny enough I had a friend who out of nowhere says to me "Girl you should get pregnant and have a baby." I responded with... "Not now, besides when I graduate I wouldn't have time for a child and I wouldn't want to do that to my children. Besides if God had wanted me to have children he would have happened by now."
Soon after the semester was over, and I did my usual thing... hang out... go to parties because hey! I didn't have anything else to do. That is when I should have seen a Dr. but I didn't. The next year came and went. My body started to scream at me to stop what I was doing to give it the attention it was craving. Essentially, my body was telling me that the desires of my heart were starting to ebb away from me.
Fast forward, I graduated from school and got accepted to another. While I was preparing to move, my cycles got heavier and longer. The next month I missed a cycle completely, but I knew that I wasn't pregnant. Later, the school sent me a form to see the doctor to get a check- up before I registered for classes. I made an appointment and while I was at it I scheduled a GYN appointment as well. I got some disappointing news that I had a large fibroid and I needed to get an ultrasound done. Since I was in the mist of moving I said I would wait to see a doctor when I moved to our new city.
During this time my cycles became more irregular. I was having a period every other month I would go through products every half hour. My days "on" my cycle would last up to 14 days. UGH! Yuck!! Finally I moved, and I got so caught up with life, work, and school that it was another year and a half before I finally visited a doctor and received a diagnosis. It turned out that it was not a fibroid it was something called endometriosis interna. On the ultrasound it showed that I had one partially blocked tube, and my blood work came back saying I had premature ovarian failure (POF). My numbers were as if I was post menopausal. I retested, and my numbers went down, but I still was diagnosed with POF. The doctor said I have a 0% chance of getting pregnant on my own and donor eggs is my only chance.
It got worse that because of the enlargement of my uterus IVF would never be an option... LIKE EVER!!! I said fine with me I am going to do this naturally because... I CAN AND WILL!! This is a hard journey we are on, and I wouldn't wish this on my worst of the worst enemy in the world. It's hard because people don't always understand. People ask so flippantly if and when we're going to have children. I don't know about you, but I get sick and tired of trying to explain something that isn't anyone's business except for my husband and I.
I still don't talk to anyone about it except to my husband who happens to be my best friend, and he is doing everything thing that he can to make himself healthy, and comfort me when I need it. In fact, his faith is much higher than what mine has been in the past. It had only been this year that my faith has jumped up to new level. It has to be because without it then there's no hope at all. My only regret is that I gave up too early in the past, but now my faith and hope in God is what I rely on. My hope is that everyone will realize their dreams in becoming mother's no matter what path you've chosen I hope that it is successful.
What I want people to understand is that people will say things that will be hurtful. Some won't attend baby shower because they'll wish it was them... Do yourself a favor and send a gift. It's ok to self-care. Some will cry silently when they see yet another pregnancy post on Facebook and your tears will fall as you post congratulations. Don't worry ladies your time will come that you will be screaming from the roof tops that you are going to be mother's. NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!! Everything has it's perfect timing.
Don't be ashamed of infertility I am starting to learn to talk about it, and we're in this together let's get the word out so that we may help each other through this very difficult time. Let's keep telling each other and other women that this too shall pass that everything in life is temporary even though; It feels like forever. Don't worry it won't be so baby dust to all, may everyone's baby make their entrances to the world very soon!